Les Ferdinand & Jermain Defoe - What Was "Really" Said

As we know, Jermain Defoe has scored an abysmal 3 league goals this season, the latest of which against West Brom, was his personal 100th goal in our colours, his personal 100th goal in the Premier League and the 1000th Tottenham Hotspur goal in the premier league. He revealed this week that it was a chat with ex-Spur Les Ferdinand that helped him become the 20th player to make it into the Premier League's 100 goals club.

Using the exclusive secret Tottenblog Hotspur fly on the wall audio recording at White Hart Lane, I can reveal how the conversation went and how it resulted in Defoe's 100th Spurs goal:

10 minutes before the West Brom kick off...
JD - "Uncle Les?"
LF - "Yes Jermain?"
JD - "Uncle Les. What's going on with me?"
LF - "How do you mean?"
JD - "I can't score anymore. I've only scored twice this year. I'm a premiership footballer, it should be easy for me."
LF - "It's not always easy Jermain, I've gone through plenty of dry spells in my life."
JD - "Well, how did you get back in amongst it?"

Taking Les's advice...

LF - "You just gotta concentrate Jermain, keep bashing away at it to keep yourself well oiled, and sooner or later, it's in your hands."
JD - "But I've been doing that all season. Me and Mr Redknapp often have sessions after training together. I don't know how many more hours I can put in."
LF - "Really, that must be what they mean about him being great man manager."
JD - "I've even gone round Roman's house, and we stand in his garden and do it together."
LF - "Really? What does his wife say about that?"

JD - "Well, she was fine with it, she'd bring us both orange squash while we rested up between sessions."
LF - "She was fine with it?"

The Pavluychenko's
infront of the replica WHL
stadium in the back garden

JD - "Yeah, until Pete came with us."
LF - "Peter came with you as well?!"
JD - "We'll we've all been having a bit of trouble this year, none of us have been in amongst it as much as we'd like."
LF - "But why was Mrs Pav especially unhappy about Peter being there?"
JD - "Well, we'd flick it up for Pete, he'd take control of it and take it on his head or into his body, give it back to us and we'd stick it in. She got annoyed because his balls were so misplaced, they kept smacking against the windows!"
LF - "Jermain, I don't think you should be involving Pete and Roman. This is something you need to do on your own. That's how I dealt with dry spells. Bash a few out, get down the club and get back in the game."
JD - "But they're my team mates, they should be able to help me handle it?!"
LF - "You don't want to get other blokes handling it for you Jermain. Forget those two, get yourself down the club, you're a premiership footballer, it's easy. Christ, if you're that desperate, have a fat one."
JD - "Have a fat what?!"

With a face like that,
Peter never has trouble scoring.

LF - "Pull a fat chick, in the night club."
JD - "Wait. What?!"
LF - "You're a premiership footballer, you should have your pick of girls."
JD - "What? I was talking about my lack of scoring."
LF - "Yeah, score with a fat chick mate."
JD - "My lack of scoring... in football matches..."
LF - "Oh... But, I thought when you said you were having trouble scoring..."
JD - "On the pitch Uncle Les!"
LF - "So all that stuff about you, Harry, Roman and Peter..."
JD - "Oh god no! Why would you even think that?!"
LF - "I just thought, you know, times have changed..."
JD - "Obviously not!"
LF - "Ah well, this is awkward."
JD - "Yep. I'm, err, gonna go now yeah?"
LF - "Yeah, Jermain, erm, make sure you score a goal against West Brom today, we'll go out on the lash to celebrate and attempt to wipe this conversation from our memories with alcohol."
JD - "Consider it done."

Innuendo. It makes fools of us all.

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